I remember this happening many times—when I felt that the kids needed separation for some reason—and especially when one kid wasn't engaged in anything and was sort of cruising around “looking for trouble”—I would often interest that kid in doing something with me.
It would seem to be a perfect solution: one kid is happily doing something on her own (or with Camille), the other is happily engaged with me, they have the psychological separation from each other that they need, and a fight isn't brewing. Yeah!
Except, more often than not, it didn't turn out like that. Whatever I chose to do with one child suddenly seemed to be the most interesting thing in the world, and the other(s) would join us almost immediately. In effect, I was ending whatever activity that the independently-playing child(ren) had begun.
Hmmm...that doesn't seem perfect, after all!
I know that it's a good thing to have truly one-on-one time with each child, and parents can make that happen with planning and with other adult help. For example, Mom can be with one child on an outing, and Dad can stay home with the other child and do cool stuff. A few days later, the pairings can be reversed. Even if there are three or more children in a family, planned activities such as “Date with Dad” and “Movie with Mom” can make sure that each child has some quality alone-time with each parent, once in a while.
Here I am not talking about such planned one-on-one events. I am talking about the everyday ebb and flow of a household when there is only one parent but more than one child. In this daily situation, the parent has to be at least a little bit careful about using his or her “lure.”
We want to make sure that kids have plenty of time to choose their own activities, organize their own time, play their own way.
It's nice that a child's natural desire to be with and emulate Mom and Dad can lead to, say, kids helping out with household tasks, but we also want to encourage independence and focus on self-chosen projects.
Mommy Lure--not just for little kids!
I remember visits with Camille and her mom, years after their family had moved about an hour and a half away from ours; because we had such a long history of doing projects together, Maria and I would naturally gather some stuff so that all of us could cook together and do art projects together and so forth.
Shortly after we arrived at Camille's house, after we had exchanged squealing hugs and commented how tall all the kids were and how long or short and cute everyone's hair was now, there would be a momentary awkward pause. Into that pause, Maria would say something like, “So, I bought some oranges and cloves so we could make pomanders,” and I would say something like, “And I brought all the ingredients for the lemon pecan loaves we talked about making.”
The girls would look at us, look at each other, and say, “We just want to talk!” Mindy, Lindsey and Camille, all teens by this time, would go running off upstairs.
That was fine. Maria and I would smile and remember how they used to want to do stuff with us, but then we would eagerly jump into baking and craftmaking and catching up.
And every time, after 30 or 50 minutes, the girls would come down again and say something like, “Is there enough for us, too? We want to make them now!” And we would realize that we still had just a bit of Mommy lure, after all...
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